Dealing with sad news…

It was with sadness and shock I learned of the death of a kind, loving, amiable, fun man last week.  Marc McAllister (Davis) lost his battle with cancer.  For some reason this news caused more upset than I expected and should be allowed.  I knew Marc throughout Secondary school and then as part of a wider ‘Rock Scene’ as we grew from 16 onwards.  He and his friends frequented the same places as me and mine and we had lots of good times.  I lost touch after moving to University and am eternally grateful to Facebook for finding him, and many other long-lost friends once again.

I have read his blog (linked on here as riddlermarc) as his ongoing battle continued and stalked him on facebook as I do others (;P).  I read the words ‘terminal cancer’ but did not register them.  I did not believe them.  Marc was Marc, his humour and vitality, his love and joy for and in his family and his jokes and fun times with his friends, meant terminal was irrelevant.  I honestly believed he would just go on forever with occasional hospital stays.

How stupid was I?!

He will be sorely missed, obviously by those closest to him, but also by those of us on the periphery of his life.  I learned of his death just prior to leaving work and my immediate reaction was to stem the tears whilst blasting Kiss’s version of ‘God gave Rock and Roll to you’ out of my car windows.  It seemed appropriate.  From Marc I have learned to stop sweating the small stuff.  He, and a previous old rocker mucker ‘Little’ Nick Pyne who also left us too young, have consolidated what I always knew but often forgot and will no doubt forget in the future, to cherish my family and friends and take enjoyment where I find it.  To take risks, to take a chance and if it pays off, share the joy and if it doesn’t, learn and move on.  Marc continued to blog and join in laughs on facebook, only now do I realise how much of a struggle and how much pain he must have been in when he did so.  Brave to the end.

I’m also very pleased that I had revealed my crush on him as a sideline comment under a photo.  Remembering how we were thought of by the other more popular and less geeky elements at school, I hoped this would make him smile and think about how we would never have believed anyone liked us back then.  It did make him smile and I am so glad now that I told the world!  However this was only done so because the crush is 22 years out of date!  No other crushes will be told as no other crushes would take it in the gentle laughing manner the ‘confession’ was intended.  I hope it made Hayley, his wife, smile too.

So, I shall continue to think of Marc with sadness that he is gone, but with gladness that I was lucky enough to have known him.  And I shall continue to send love and warm thoughts to his no doubt devastated family.

really getting pissed off now

OMG and the lass has forgotten the words on Britains Got Talent…  1 bottle of wine is not good for this…  Stop the kids being on this.  They need parents giving them attention and not saying they are busy watching the bloody TV.

Sometimes you just have to take a stand…

Yesterday I left the School Librarians Network (SLN) yahoo group after quite a few years of finding it an invaluable form of professional and personal support.  It’s intention is to stop school librarians feel so alone when they are usually lone workers, and offer an arena of mutual respect, support and advice.  By School Librarians we mean anyone employed to run a School Library.  And this is where the problems have started.

I speak only for myself… but no-one on the list has ever had a problem with people on the list who are unqualified.  It is widely known that as School Libraries are not a statutory provision what is offered in a school is at the mercy of the Senior Management Team’s priorities.  There are about 25% of current new Academies being built with NO library at all, for example.  This means that the staff of the school libraries that do exist may have the same job titles, or a newfangled one like Learning Centre Manager, Information Resources Manager, Commons Hub Facilitator or whatever, but that the actual tasks of the role differ vastly.

What has become clear however that there are many schools that do not believe a School Librarian (By this I mean the person charged with managing and progressing the library in accordance with whole school policy) needs any qualifications or even directly relevant experience prior to their being employed to do the job.  Whilst this is not always obvious on the SLN it has lately become apparent by the low level type of query coming through that there are people employed who have no basic Librarian knowledge whatsoever.  For example I am genuinely shocked by people who cannot make their own decision regarding which Dewey number to use to classify a non-fiction book!

Whilst the odd basic level query can be overlooked it became apparent those of us with the experience and ongoing training (Continuing Professional Development aka CPD) , and yes, sometimes with professional qualifications, were shoring up the lack within colleagues with none of these.   Whilst I feel very sad for those employed in jobs they clearly had no experience for, and am full of admiration for those clearly wanting to improve, learn and do a good job, to continue propping them up will mean those in power will feel justified in employing and supporting the ways they always have and we will NEVER have the statutory, professionally run school library system we should have.

So I have left the group as a silent and barely noticed protest to this.  If in post people should gain the required qualifications and continue their CPD, if they do not they should not mask their libraries inadequacies by expecting those who do to assist to the point of practically telling them how to do their job.  Harsh?  But necessary?

Things are clearly on the up for us!

After a drivelly whinge, life has done a complete turnaround.  I PASSED THE PART 3 TEST!!!!  I am now officially an Approved Driving Instructor!  Yes, I am now legally allowed to teach all and sundry to drive to the required standard to pass the offical driving test.  I plan to teach them to surpass this standard and be as good as they should be,  and I will help them to pass the theory and hazard tests.  I am now the owner and sole instructor for the Glam School of Motoring “dedicated to driving excellence”.

I now need to find a local valeting service and get my Renault Clio as shiny and lovely as possible.  Sell it for a minimum of £1000 and then I have my start up costs which will be necessary for leasing my car.  I also need to find £300 to send off for registering on the ADI list run by ORDIT,  I get this back from the Instructor College but have to do it and get my documents first.  I also need to start marketing and get some students.  Ace news that I passed though.  I am very pleased with myself.

Then to top it off today my team of 12 year 8 and 9 students were victorious in the Magistrate’s Mock Trial local heat and have won a lovely shiny trophy for school to display AND we get to go to the regional heat on May 16th in Leeds magistrate’s court.  Yes, another trip to organise and lead!  Boding well for my Senior public speaking team who are in the regional heat of the Rotary Club’s public speaking competition at Loughborough Grammar School tomorrow afternoon.

Happy Days!!!

As expected…

and before I read any of the comments; I am utterly mortified by the self-indulgent ’sorry-for-myself’ whining I put on yesterday.  Incredibly selfish when you think of all the suffering elsewhere.  But I’m leaving it on as an honest snapshot of my life.

Complete and utter drivel…

I’m probably gonna seriously regret writing this, it may worry unintentionally the 2.5 people who ever bother to read it, but if a blog is to be honest then I should really stop editing what I write by waiting until I am on aneven keel and have thought it through.

Serious wibbliness this evening.  Am on second glass of wine and may drink the bottle as I’m not sleeping and am bloody tired.  I’ve filled the weekend with socialness and ended up with tired kids who’ve been so appalling they’ve gone to bed with no videos in their room for a week and having lost a good behaviour star.  Which I now feel is all my fault as they’re just tired.  What if something happens and they went to sleeping knowing Mummy was disappointed with them?

And I am trying to forget the fact that no matter what I try I cannot win.  The mortgage is probably gonna bounce again and I have no idea what the hell I can do to get enough practise to pass the part 3 on Friday.  I thought I had two practise session lined up but no, only 1 with no possibility of others, no way I’m gonna pass and without the second job Mr repossession is coming ever closer.  Yet I don’t feel we deserve sympathy or help as it’s our own bloody fault we’ve got in this hole.  Maybe we deserve to be repossessed and have to live in a shitty council house with a crack den next door.  It’ll break my heart to leave here but if that’s what it takes to stop worrying all the bloody time.

I thought I had friends who would help me, but it seems they have no time either and I cannot keep asking.  People say they’ll be there, but it’s only when it suits them.  And I’m far to whiny and needy at the moment to bother.  I’m just not a good friend so don’t deserve good friends back.   Christ I don’t like me at the moment so why the hell should anyone else, Fucking crybaby whinger, I need a good slap, look how lucky I am?  Great house, good husband, fabulous kids.  I should be counting my blessings not whining.   Work don’t want me but so what?  They don’t deserve me.  Shit I am on a downer!  Better go drink more wine and cry it out.  I’m really going to regret this post in the morning, I shall publish before I think it through too much, though may delete it before anyone reads it.   I hate to be a needy, ungrateful whiner and that’s what this is turning out / has turned out to be.

Sorry, bye.

How to read a [fiction] book.

I’m reading ‘The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas’ by John Boyne, and no I haven’t seen the film first.  I was berating myself for being so stupid I didn’t realise where ‘Out-with’ was until it was practially spelled out within the book.  Then I thought; actually to realise in advance what is going to happen in a story is not necessarily a good thing.  To be naive and read in genuine enjoyment and anticipation makes for a thrilling read.

So should this not be one of the factors which we teach to our children when they learn to read?  Although it can be fun and a big part of the journey to second-guess what may happen next, it is the suspense and the need to know that churns in your gut and swirls in your head, this makes the read so exciting and keeps you going.

I know of two people who prefer to read the last couple of chapters in a book and then, if they like those, read the rest to see how the author gets them there.  I  could not do that.  I like to be swept along, to be unable to put the book down.  I love to feel the emotions and get totally involved.  I want to get angry, upset, happy, laugh, cry, scream, moan.  I want to care about what happens to the protagonists whether I actually like them or not.

I want to put the book down with a satisfied sigh and to remain thinking about it before I move on.  If we could show children this way, how many more could we grab into the wonderful world of imagination and stories.

Just finished the book.  *sigh*.

Better Luck Next Time

Sadly I will not be teaching people to ‘drive excellently’ any time soon, for I failed my Part 3. 

*sigh*

Actually whilst disappointed I am not upset because it was such a new experience, an unknown exam of the sort never experienced beore so if I had passed first time it would have been a miracle!  I actually did pretty well.  Let me elaborate…

The part 3 test takes 1 hour, each half of which sees the examiner take on a student persona, firstly as a ‘phase 1′ very new learner then as a ‘phase 2′ experienced-near test or fully licensed refresher learner.  There are 10 pre-set tests of pairs of topics to teach these learners.  I had PreSet Test 9  which is Phase 1 – Crossroads and Phase 2 – Pedestrian Crossings/Use of Signals.  In phase 1 you teach the skill from scratch, in phase 2 they have learnt the skill but are having problems with it which you must spot and rectify.  Within all the ’student’ will also make errors which you, as the instructor, are require to Identify, Analyse and Remedy – these are the Core Competencies.   Within this there are 3 levels of instruction, Guided, Prompted and Independent which you, as instructor, must use as appropriate.  The marking is 1-6, with 1-3 fails and 4-6 passes.  I got a 4 for Phase 1 and a 3 for Phase 2.  Apparently this is unusual as more people tend to pass the Phase 1 and fail the Phase 2.  I also got 4 for my attitude and approach which miffed me a bit ‘cos I am really nice!  Which may be the problem actually!

Basically I let myself get distracted by the many errors Rebecca Tulip (my Examiner, from Barnsley Text Centre) included and ended up trying to sort those out forgetting to teach the main topic, in the phase 1 section.  As Becky said (that’s what people seem to call her) she was a very new learner and therefore will make lots of errors so I should not let myself get so distracted, she needs me to teach the core topic as this is what she is marking me on.  I also completely missed the many times she went over the give way or stop lines at a junction, I genuinely could not tell she was doing this, which may be a height issue so I am going to go out and work out the view for me in the passenger seat regarding line positioning.  Finally I missed the reason for her stalling the car more than once, I thought it was incorrect clutch and accelerator/brake control, in fact she was in the wrong gear when trying to move off.  WHAT AN IDIOT I AM!!!  In general I need to be firmer in my instructions, less verbose and more curt.  It’s not rudeness, it’s fitting it all in whilst on the move.

So I wouldn’t have passed me based on all that!  Becky’s feedback was excellent though, and it was she with whom I passed my part 2 driving test so well first time.  She gave me excellent feedback and as a result I did not cry or get upset, but feel happy I can work on these issues and pass next time.

So I have to re-take the entire test again (it will be the 2nd of the 3 permitted tries).  Thank Goodness for my gorgeous sister who has paid the fee as an early birthday present for me (3 months early!).  I am going to re-take on 11th March at Sheffield’s Handsworth Test Centre.  I could not get into Barnsley at a time soon enough for me and also when a Car from Instructor College was available for me to borrow.  It’s a shame as I hope Ms Tulip does not think I am avoiding her (like she’ll even notice) but time is of the essence so…

Keep everything crossed people, and as for those who will be my pretend students… we’ll be getting busy very shortly!

Update – test date has been altered to 13th March by Sheffield Test Centre – am hoping College have a car I can borrow then!

Emotionally – not so hot

Definitely not one of my better weeks.  I’m taking everything FAR too personally and get angry so quickly.  I get upset if the girls aren’t quick enough to get dressed, I get angry at well-intentioned and accurate advice, I get angry if my suggestions are ignored or dismissed.  I have this permanent knot of nerves extending down my torso that I cannot get rid of.  I am NOT sleeping well.

Then I read blogs of others and I know how lucky I am.  The Doctors  gave me ID to a ‘beating the blues’ website that I’ve been on once, but given the main problem is no time to fit everything in, it’s just another stress!  And I firmly believe this is only temporary.  I am NOT depressed, I am stressed, anxious and worried.  Yeah, me and the rest of the Country!  A twee and silly website with questions and advice to fit yet MORE in to my life as ‘me time’.

In the meantime I just hope those of you who are close by can stick with me and dodge the bullets for now.  I don’t mean it…

Fingers crossed I may be a Driving Instructor…

in less than 2 weeks!  At least I hope to be qualified, then I’ll have to deal with the practicalities of setting up.

I’ve a busy timetable of practising which I am getting on with and I genuinely believe I could be a very good, if not excellent driving instructor.  Still, the lovely compliments of friends probably aren’t the best judge of this!  I can rely on the bloke I am ‘teaching’ tonight to be brutally honest though.

My website is up, and nowhere near the standard I may have hoped for, but it’s there!  I guess it’ll have to do (link on the right…)  I eventually would like to reduce my librarianship post to a jobshare, to ensure a regular wage enough to pay the whole mortgage, and then be free to organise myself the rest of the time, this should be ‘doable’, if anyone wants to jobshare!

Just thought I’d let you know!