Starting to bloody hate this Country

We are skint, to the point of defaulting on everything.  Am gonna get advice as the people I thought would help have just made me feel like a total and utter failure for getting to this point.  Should have known better than to ask and I will no longer look to them for help, advice and assistance.  They’ve never been proud so why I expected anything different I expect is down to my ridiculous naivety and stupid belief that most people are inherently good.  I really wish I could be cynical and not such an open fucking book all the time.  I have GOT to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and letting people in.  That includes family.  The only people I will now rely on are Mike and my girls, and of course my girls will be sheltered from it all.  don’t want to upset those I know would try to help and my pride is stopping it.  Not much left so for God’s sake let me keep some dregs of pride.

If any of you are thinking of trying to better yourselves by education.  Do it for fun, not because you expect a better life at the end ‘cos you bloody won’t get one.

This fucking government is leaving me worse and worse off.  I am unlucky enough to have a SHIT-paying job in the public sector and am sick to death of reading in the press how we’re all so well paid and fat cats and should be setting an example by accepting the below inflation pay rise offered and helping the economy of the country bounce back.  FUCK OFF!!!!!!   Having had below inflation pay rises for as long as I can remember and now having got to the point where I have moved, jumped about and shifted everything as best I can and STILL cannot manage even basic living costs this government can piss up it’s own backside if it think it’s ever getting my vote again.  I have never felt so bitter and so let down.  If I could emigrate I bloody would but silly me, where would I go?  How could I afford to?  My daughters had better hope they don’t want Higher Education cos I’ve naff all chance of saving to help them get on in life.  Sorry Darlings Mummy’s a failiure and you’ll have to go work up a chimney.  Where are the opposition parties with plans and policies to improve things?  Cloud Cuckoo Land, oh yes… how do I get there?

God I’m angry.  And I’m ALWAYS smiling and always the ‘glass half full’ person.  I have no idea how to get that back.  I’m fucking angry and I hope to God I stay angry ‘cos otherwise…

That’s it then…

There is absolutely, definitely and positively no future for me at my current full-time work.  I’ve tried with my line manager, been called in to the Head again about an email, which was a bit of a rant but had been sent from me to my line manager only and I had thought was confidential.  He had requested to see any further communications from me regarding use of my library as a classroom and apparently this counted!  Yes, I came in to school on the first day of term to discover 75% of the timetable was taken up by a class booking in, a fact nobody could be bothered to even tell us, we found out when the first class turned up!  My LM knows me and was not bothered by my ranting email.  Apparently the HT had thought he may have to make it a conduct meeting with me ‘cos of the email, if it had been I’d have just walked out and contacted my Union for sure!  He was left in no doubt I did no agree with him, that I had spoken to people since and offered solutions, as I usually do to problems, and that I feel badly let down, once again.  He proved not to care.  Platitudes are meaningless without action to back it up.  It’s all well and good saying I, and the library, are valued, but actions speak louder than words.

Anyway, laid it on the line… did a SWOT on the library and my personal position.  Said exactly how disappointed I am.  No joy.  I proved I’ve done everything in my power to do as asked in order to be considered for a rise in both status and pay and left them in no doubt how good a job my staff and I do ‘despite’ SMT.  And still no joy.  There’s possibility of linking with a member of SMT who understands libraries the best and could be an advocate.  If this worked it would be great, but the person suggested is only interested in furthering her own ideas and taking credit for other people’s ideas and work.  And I did actually tell my LM this, with proving evidence!  So she is having a think on it.

On the plus side I have told her about my Driving Instructor plans, and we discussed ways this could work alongside my job, changes that may be an option (i.e. part-time, job share, hours to suit the activities that would stop (all of them) if I left etc.)… Quite reassuring actually.  she even said I would be okay to market myself within our 6th form.  So I am happier now it is out in the open.

My part 2 is re-booked for 30th September and the Instructor College are giving me a free extra driver training session on 15th.  I really hope I pass…  I shall be calling on friends to help me practise as before.

Finally I feel a sense of freedom as I have exhausted all avenues, my conscience is clear and I fully defend all and every action I have taken as a professional who abides by the Code of Ethics and works for and on behalf of students.  There is no longer a future in librarianship.