Dealing with sad news…

It was with sadness and shock I learned of the death of a kind, loving, amiable, fun man last week.  Marc McAllister (Davis) lost his battle with cancer.  For some reason this news caused more upset than I expected and should be allowed.  I knew Marc throughout Secondary school and then as part of a wider ‘Rock Scene’ as we grew from 16 onwards.  He and his friends frequented the same places as me and mine and we had lots of good times.  I lost touch after moving to University and am eternally grateful to Facebook for finding him, and many other long-lost friends once again.

I have read his blog (linked on here as riddlermarc) as his ongoing battle continued and stalked him on facebook as I do others (;P).  I read the words ‘terminal cancer’ but did not register them.  I did not believe them.  Marc was Marc, his humour and vitality, his love and joy for and in his family and his jokes and fun times with his friends, meant terminal was irrelevant.  I honestly believed he would just go on forever with occasional hospital stays.

How stupid was I?!

He will be sorely missed, obviously by those closest to him, but also by those of us on the periphery of his life.  I learned of his death just prior to leaving work and my immediate reaction was to stem the tears whilst blasting Kiss’s version of ‘God gave Rock and Roll to you’ out of my car windows.  It seemed appropriate.  From Marc I have learned to stop sweating the small stuff.  He, and a previous old rocker mucker ‘Little’ Nick Pyne who also left us too young, have consolidated what I always knew but often forgot and will no doubt forget in the future, to cherish my family and friends and take enjoyment where I find it.  To take risks, to take a chance and if it pays off, share the joy and if it doesn’t, learn and move on.  Marc continued to blog and join in laughs on facebook, only now do I realise how much of a struggle and how much pain he must have been in when he did so.  Brave to the end.

I’m also very pleased that I had revealed my crush on him as a sideline comment under a photo.  Remembering how we were thought of by the other more popular and less geeky elements at school, I hoped this would make him smile and think about how we would never have believed anyone liked us back then.  It did make him smile and I am so glad now that I told the world!  However this was only done so because the crush is 22 years out of date!  No other crushes will be told as no other crushes would take it in the gentle laughing manner the ‘confession’ was intended.  I hope it made Hayley, his wife, smile too.

So, I shall continue to think of Marc with sadness that he is gone, but with gladness that I was lucky enough to have known him.  And I shall continue to send love and warm thoughts to his no doubt devastated family.

really getting pissed off now

OMG and the lass has forgotten the words on Britains Got Talent…  1 bottle of wine is not good for this…  Stop the kids being on this.  They need parents giving them attention and not saying they are busy watching the bloody TV.

As expected…

and before I read any of the comments; I am utterly mortified by the self-indulgent ’sorry-for-myself’ whining I put on yesterday.  Incredibly selfish when you think of all the suffering elsewhere.  But I’m leaving it on as an honest snapshot of my life.

Complete and utter drivel…

I’m probably gonna seriously regret writing this, it may worry unintentionally the 2.5 people who ever bother to read it, but if a blog is to be honest then I should really stop editing what I write by waiting until I am on aneven keel and have thought it through.

Serious wibbliness this evening.  Am on second glass of wine and may drink the bottle as I’m not sleeping and am bloody tired.  I’ve filled the weekend with socialness and ended up with tired kids who’ve been so appalling they’ve gone to bed with no videos in their room for a week and having lost a good behaviour star.  Which I now feel is all my fault as they’re just tired.  What if something happens and they went to sleeping knowing Mummy was disappointed with them?

And I am trying to forget the fact that no matter what I try I cannot win.  The mortgage is probably gonna bounce again and I have no idea what the hell I can do to get enough practise to pass the part 3 on Friday.  I thought I had two practise session lined up but no, only 1 with no possibility of others, no way I’m gonna pass and without the second job Mr repossession is coming ever closer.  Yet I don’t feel we deserve sympathy or help as it’s our own bloody fault we’ve got in this hole.  Maybe we deserve to be repossessed and have to live in a shitty council house with a crack den next door.  It’ll break my heart to leave here but if that’s what it takes to stop worrying all the bloody time.

I thought I had friends who would help me, but it seems they have no time either and I cannot keep asking.  People say they’ll be there, but it’s only when it suits them.  And I’m far to whiny and needy at the moment to bother.  I’m just not a good friend so don’t deserve good friends back.   Christ I don’t like me at the moment so why the hell should anyone else, Fucking crybaby whinger, I need a good slap, look how lucky I am?  Great house, good husband, fabulous kids.  I should be counting my blessings not whining.   Work don’t want me but so what?  They don’t deserve me.  Shit I am on a downer!  Better go drink more wine and cry it out.  I’m really going to regret this post in the morning, I shall publish before I think it through too much, though may delete it before anyone reads it.   I hate to be a needy, ungrateful whiner and that’s what this is turning out / has turned out to be.

Sorry, bye.